But then... if you feel like you don't deserve someone being considerate of you... doesn't that mean that's just what people expect of you? [???? FATE/?] Ah, that's really complicated....
Whatever! I like you, Ashiya-san. And I want to get to know you better. So I guess I don't need to make it weird at all anyway, since that's the most important part.
[But before they can say anything to the next part, probably some statement about how well, it is weird getting to know a historical figure...the scene changes.]
[There is a man kneeling in the middle of a room in the night. The man is Ashiya Douman. They stare at the wall across from them, with wide, weary eyes, their body tensed, like expecting a threat.]
[A person steps out of the shadows, bending down to embrace them, clawed fingernails digging deep into their shoulder.]
[The person in question is Ashiya Douman.]
[And Douman bends in to whisper something into the first Douman's ear. A single hissed sentence, a simple statement, said as fact.]
[If things remain as they are, you'll never once surpass Seimei.]
[And instantly, the rush of emotions comes. Sorrow. Terror. Fear. Anger. Hatred. Jealousy. Unbelievable despair. It comes like a roaring tide, and the first Douman starts to weep, and weep and weep, and howl like the world itself is ending, and things start to crash together in static, and it is impossible to tell where one Ashiya Douman begins and the other ends and-]
[And suddenly, where there were two, there is just one. Ashiya Douman, kneeling quietly in the middle of a moonlit room.]
[Just smiling to themselves. Their eyes open, dark.]
[Comfortable.]
[And Douman, the one standing next to Mineo, closes their eyes and winces as the scene vanishes, like they're experiencing pain.]
it's not like mineo didn't expect it. he's mentioned seimei once and only once, because all it took was that once for douman's expression to change enough that he knew it was a bad idea. the place were truth and fiction intermingle here confuses him a little, because it all seems really metaphorical. it's hard for him to parse.
but he gets the idea of being an underdog, and like you'll never be able to catch up.
he just tries to understand and - he ends up standing in front of douman instead, tucking the pillow under his arm just so that he can rest both of his hands on the other's shoulders even if he has to reach up a bit.]
Then it'll go like this. It's different 'cause you don't have to go back to sleep... but I used to hold onto my sister's hand and sing her a lullaby and stay with her until she stopped being scared.
So for now just take my hand until you don't want to anymore.
[ . . . . well. he just gives a firmer squeeze at that, not looking away from douman.]
.... it's fine if you don't get it. Or if you can't return it. It's probably a weird thing, and kinda uncomfortable if it's new to you.
But I mean it.
The you in front of me, the both sides of you that I saw in the nightmare - I care about you. I don't want you to feel like you have to be one or the other.
[They let out a scoff, but it feels like its dead as soon as it leaves his mouth.]
I don't see why you'd care about me, but... [They lift Mineo's hand up, up, and...kiss the back of his hand.] I suppose that's...something I will acknowledge.
[ . . . . he flusters just a little when he gets the kiss but - he pushes past his own embarrassment almost to focus.]
... you still don't believe me, do you, Ashiya-san?
[based on the scoff. though mineo doesn't seem offended, instead just like he's getting more stubborn about it.]
I don't think I need a reason to care about somebody - and I think... I hate the idea of being alone even more. Like nobody really wants to see all sides of you, and would stick by you.
[ . . . . he opens his mouth to answer - but he finds a memory playing first. almost as if to answer the question.
“Actually, I talked to Detective Satake and Yanagi about you.”
A girl stands in front of you, and she tries. She tries so hard to get through to you. (STOP at 4:09).
But it’s useless.
There’s a feeling of guilt that you can’t shake - and the aching, crushing disappointment. Not in her, but in yourself. The realization that she’s seen you for who you really are. She’s heard all of the useless, terrible details of your series of mistakes from the people who know you best. The ones who can chronicle your rise and your meteoric fall still in progress.
“I said a lot of proud things to you. Sorry. In the end, this is who I really am.”
and even though there's a twitch in his hand, as if he wants to pull away from douman now, he - refrains. just barely, he refrains. instead there's something torn in his expression before he closes his eyes as if to hide the pain in them. the shame and the regret.]
.... yeah.
It's -
It's not a surprise when you end up left alone, when all you do is waste space.
[when no one reaches out their hand, or stays when the nightmares take over.]
[What kind of foundation does Mineo have? If behind all of this, the role, the speeches, there's a man who doesn't quite know what justice is? Is the foundation solid? Or does it only appear to be that way?]
[The twitch in his hand makes Douman grasp it just a bit tighter.]
You don't waste space. Your heart is a powerful thing. Immaterial things like justice...their definition may change, from time to time. But your heart does not, Mineo. Isn't that what matters?
[ . . . . . and then, as if ashamed to admit it - ]
... I don't really know where my heart is, Ashiya-san.
[he can't answer that, when he feels like he's torn up every weekend here. like he's trying to find his footing all over again. he comes to some conclusions, but then struggles all over again as he's knocked off his feet. but he opens his eyes and he breathes out a sigh.]
... but I just -
[ . . . . ]
If I can do something that matters to someone - that can help them.... I'll say that matters.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But then... if you feel like you don't deserve someone being considerate of you... doesn't that mean that's just what people expect of you? [???? FATE/?] Ah, that's really complicated....
Whatever! I like you, Ashiya-san. And I want to get to know you better. So I guess I don't need to make it weird at all anyway, since that's the most important part.
no subject
[But before they can say anything to the next part, probably some statement about how well, it is weird getting to know a historical figure...the scene changes.]
[There is a man kneeling in the middle of a room in the night. The man is Ashiya Douman. They stare at the wall across from them, with wide, weary eyes, their body tensed, like expecting a threat.]
[A person steps out of the shadows, bending down to embrace them, clawed fingernails digging deep into their shoulder.]
[The person in question is Ashiya Douman.]
[And Douman bends in to whisper something into the first Douman's ear. A single hissed sentence, a simple statement, said as fact.]
[If things remain as they are, you'll never once surpass Seimei.]
[And instantly, the rush of emotions comes. Sorrow. Terror. Fear. Anger. Hatred. Jealousy. Unbelievable despair. It comes like a roaring tide, and the first Douman starts to weep, and weep and weep, and howl like the world itself is ending, and things start to crash together in static, and it is impossible to tell where one Ashiya Douman begins and the other ends and-]
[And suddenly, where there were two, there is just one. Ashiya Douman, kneeling quietly in the middle of a moonlit room.]
[Just smiling to themselves. Their eyes open, dark.]
[Comfortable.]
[And Douman, the one standing next to Mineo, closes their eyes and winces as the scene vanishes, like they're experiencing pain.]
no subject
it's not like mineo didn't expect it. he's mentioned seimei once and only once, because all it took was that once for douman's expression to change enough that he knew it was a bad idea. the place were truth and fiction intermingle here confuses him a little, because it all seems really metaphorical. it's hard for him to parse.
but he gets the idea of being an underdog, and like you'll never be able to catch up.
he just tries to understand and - he ends up standing in front of douman instead, tucking the pillow under his arm just so that he can rest both of his hands on the other's shoulders even if he has to reach up a bit.]
.... Ashiya-san.
Are you okay?
no subject
[Their eyes open. They're just as dark as the ones that the Douman in the vision had. Cold, like obsidian shards.]
I'm fine. [And a wide smile.] No need to worry about this humble priest.
no subject
Ashiya-san, you can't give me crap like that and expect me to just take it...
[but it doesn't sound judgmental or even aggressive - just a statement that he thinks that this sounds like a lie.]
And you can't keep saying that I don't need to worry - I'm gonna worry!
You shouldn't have to shoulder all of that alone!
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[Despite the other's stubbornness, Douman seems to just stand, placid.]
I understand your worry, but...Mineo, please.
no subject
.... Please what, Ashiya-san?
You want me to forget what I just saw?
no subject
...I admittedly don't know what that was. [A hum.] Perhaps it was a bad dream.
no subject
.... then -
Has anyone ever been around for you after a nightmare?
no subject
[That's...not a question that they're expecting, and they're a little taken aback.]
Well...no. Not at all?
no subject
then mineo will hold out his hand.]
Then it'll go like this. It's different 'cause you don't have to go back to sleep... but I used to hold onto my sister's hand and sing her a lullaby and stay with her until she stopped being scared.
So for now just take my hand until you don't want to anymore.
no subject
[They give Mineo a look as if to say "are you joking?" but...]
[There's a pause, and they take him by the hand, giving it a light squeeze.]
I don't understand why you're doing this, but...
no subject
Because I care about you.
Normally I wouldn't feel like I have to say it, but a bunch of you here are super dense....
So I'll say it.
no subject
[A strange look passes over their face, and they glance away to hide it.]
I-I... [Their voice is shaking.] I don't...
[I don't understand.]
[I can't understand.]
[They just fall silent like that, unsure how to respond.]
no subject
.... it's fine if you don't get it. Or if you can't return it. It's probably a weird thing, and kinda uncomfortable if it's new to you.
But I mean it.
The you in front of me, the both sides of you that I saw in the nightmare - I care about you. I don't want you to feel like you have to be one or the other.
no subject
Both sides...?
[They let out a scoff, but it feels like its dead as soon as it leaves his mouth.]
I don't see why you'd care about me, but... [They lift Mineo's hand up, up, and...kiss the back of his hand.] I suppose that's...something I will acknowledge.
no subject
... you still don't believe me, do you, Ashiya-san?
[based on the scoff. though mineo doesn't seem offended, instead just like he's getting more stubborn about it.]
I don't think I need a reason to care about somebody - and I think... I hate the idea of being alone even more. Like nobody really wants to see all sides of you, and would stick by you.
[almost - like it sounds familiar.]
I don't want you to have to feel like that.
no subject
[Its hard to believe. Why should they? It's always about being hated. It's always about being in that role.]
You're very kind, Mineo. [And a long pause.] But yes, being alone is...hard. I know.
[A sigh.]
Have you ever been alone?
[1/2]
“Actually, I talked to Detective Satake and Yanagi about you.”
A girl stands in front of you, and she tries. She tries so hard to get through to you. (STOP at 4:09).
But it’s useless.
There’s a feeling of guilt that you can’t shake - and the aching, crushing disappointment. Not in her, but in yourself. The realization that she’s seen you for who you really are. She’s heard all of the useless, terrible details of your series of mistakes from the people who know you best. The ones who can chronicle your rise and your meteoric fall still in progress.
“I said a lot of proud things to you. Sorry. In the end, this is who I really am.”
Spineless. Cowardly. Terrified.
Useless. Trash.
Just like Takeru says - good for nothing at all.
The memory ends with the close of a door. ]
no subject
and even though there's a twitch in his hand, as if he wants to pull away from douman now, he - refrains. just barely, he refrains. instead there's something torn in his expression before he closes his eyes as if to hide the pain in them. the shame and the regret.]
.... yeah.
It's -
It's not a surprise when you end up left alone, when all you do is waste space.
[when no one reaches out their hand, or stays when the nightmares take over.]
no subject
[What kind of foundation does Mineo have? If behind all of this, the role, the speeches, there's a man who doesn't quite know what justice is? Is the foundation solid? Or does it only appear to be that way?]
[The twitch in his hand makes Douman grasp it just a bit tighter.]
You don't waste space. Your heart is a powerful thing. Immaterial things like justice...their definition may change, from time to time. But your heart does not, Mineo. Isn't that what matters?
no subject
... I don't really know where my heart is, Ashiya-san.
[he can't answer that, when he feels like he's torn up every weekend here. like he's trying to find his footing all over again. he comes to some conclusions, but then struggles all over again as he's knocked off his feet. but he opens his eyes and he breathes out a sigh.]
... but I just -
[ . . . . ]
If I can do something that matters to someone - that can help them.... I'll say that matters.
no subject
[A light smile blossoms on their face.]
So don't beat yourself up, Mineo! You are irreplaceable. This place needs you to be you, and even if your heart is lost...its still there, right?
no subject
You really think that, Ashiya-san...?
no subject
[And a bow of their head.]
I can see that as clear as day.
(no subject)