[ . . . . well. he just gives a firmer squeeze at that, not looking away from douman.]
.... it's fine if you don't get it. Or if you can't return it. It's probably a weird thing, and kinda uncomfortable if it's new to you.
But I mean it.
The you in front of me, the both sides of you that I saw in the nightmare - I care about you. I don't want you to feel like you have to be one or the other.
[They let out a scoff, but it feels like its dead as soon as it leaves his mouth.]
I don't see why you'd care about me, but... [They lift Mineo's hand up, up, and...kiss the back of his hand.] I suppose that's...something I will acknowledge.
[ . . . . he flusters just a little when he gets the kiss but - he pushes past his own embarrassment almost to focus.]
... you still don't believe me, do you, Ashiya-san?
[based on the scoff. though mineo doesn't seem offended, instead just like he's getting more stubborn about it.]
I don't think I need a reason to care about somebody - and I think... I hate the idea of being alone even more. Like nobody really wants to see all sides of you, and would stick by you.
[ . . . . he opens his mouth to answer - but he finds a memory playing first. almost as if to answer the question.
“Actually, I talked to Detective Satake and Yanagi about you.”
A girl stands in front of you, and she tries. She tries so hard to get through to you. (STOP at 4:09).
But it’s useless.
There’s a feeling of guilt that you can’t shake - and the aching, crushing disappointment. Not in her, but in yourself. The realization that she’s seen you for who you really are. She’s heard all of the useless, terrible details of your series of mistakes from the people who know you best. The ones who can chronicle your rise and your meteoric fall still in progress.
“I said a lot of proud things to you. Sorry. In the end, this is who I really am.”
and even though there's a twitch in his hand, as if he wants to pull away from douman now, he - refrains. just barely, he refrains. instead there's something torn in his expression before he closes his eyes as if to hide the pain in them. the shame and the regret.]
.... yeah.
It's -
It's not a surprise when you end up left alone, when all you do is waste space.
[when no one reaches out their hand, or stays when the nightmares take over.]
[What kind of foundation does Mineo have? If behind all of this, the role, the speeches, there's a man who doesn't quite know what justice is? Is the foundation solid? Or does it only appear to be that way?]
[The twitch in his hand makes Douman grasp it just a bit tighter.]
You don't waste space. Your heart is a powerful thing. Immaterial things like justice...their definition may change, from time to time. But your heart does not, Mineo. Isn't that what matters?
[ . . . . . and then, as if ashamed to admit it - ]
... I don't really know where my heart is, Ashiya-san.
[he can't answer that, when he feels like he's torn up every weekend here. like he's trying to find his footing all over again. he comes to some conclusions, but then struggles all over again as he's knocked off his feet. but he opens his eyes and he breathes out a sigh.]
... but I just -
[ . . . . ]
If I can do something that matters to someone - that can help them.... I'll say that matters.
[ . . . . that's admittedly the answer he wanted. because he just laughs a little bit and when douman bows their head, mineo will rock on his feet so that he can gently knock their foreheads together.]
Cool.
'cause I could say the same thing to you. Be as nice to yourself as you are to me... and I'll try to do the same.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
.... it's fine if you don't get it. Or if you can't return it. It's probably a weird thing, and kinda uncomfortable if it's new to you.
But I mean it.
The you in front of me, the both sides of you that I saw in the nightmare - I care about you. I don't want you to feel like you have to be one or the other.
no subject
Both sides...?
[They let out a scoff, but it feels like its dead as soon as it leaves his mouth.]
I don't see why you'd care about me, but... [They lift Mineo's hand up, up, and...kiss the back of his hand.] I suppose that's...something I will acknowledge.
no subject
... you still don't believe me, do you, Ashiya-san?
[based on the scoff. though mineo doesn't seem offended, instead just like he's getting more stubborn about it.]
I don't think I need a reason to care about somebody - and I think... I hate the idea of being alone even more. Like nobody really wants to see all sides of you, and would stick by you.
[almost - like it sounds familiar.]
I don't want you to have to feel like that.
no subject
[Its hard to believe. Why should they? It's always about being hated. It's always about being in that role.]
You're very kind, Mineo. [And a long pause.] But yes, being alone is...hard. I know.
[A sigh.]
Have you ever been alone?
[1/2]
“Actually, I talked to Detective Satake and Yanagi about you.”
A girl stands in front of you, and she tries. She tries so hard to get through to you. (STOP at 4:09).
But it’s useless.
There’s a feeling of guilt that you can’t shake - and the aching, crushing disappointment. Not in her, but in yourself. The realization that she’s seen you for who you really are. She’s heard all of the useless, terrible details of your series of mistakes from the people who know you best. The ones who can chronicle your rise and your meteoric fall still in progress.
“I said a lot of proud things to you. Sorry. In the end, this is who I really am.”
Spineless. Cowardly. Terrified.
Useless. Trash.
Just like Takeru says - good for nothing at all.
The memory ends with the close of a door. ]
no subject
and even though there's a twitch in his hand, as if he wants to pull away from douman now, he - refrains. just barely, he refrains. instead there's something torn in his expression before he closes his eyes as if to hide the pain in them. the shame and the regret.]
.... yeah.
It's -
It's not a surprise when you end up left alone, when all you do is waste space.
[when no one reaches out their hand, or stays when the nightmares take over.]
no subject
[What kind of foundation does Mineo have? If behind all of this, the role, the speeches, there's a man who doesn't quite know what justice is? Is the foundation solid? Or does it only appear to be that way?]
[The twitch in his hand makes Douman grasp it just a bit tighter.]
You don't waste space. Your heart is a powerful thing. Immaterial things like justice...their definition may change, from time to time. But your heart does not, Mineo. Isn't that what matters?
no subject
... I don't really know where my heart is, Ashiya-san.
[he can't answer that, when he feels like he's torn up every weekend here. like he's trying to find his footing all over again. he comes to some conclusions, but then struggles all over again as he's knocked off his feet. but he opens his eyes and he breathes out a sigh.]
... but I just -
[ . . . . ]
If I can do something that matters to someone - that can help them.... I'll say that matters.
no subject
[A light smile blossoms on their face.]
So don't beat yourself up, Mineo! You are irreplaceable. This place needs you to be you, and even if your heart is lost...its still there, right?
no subject
You really think that, Ashiya-san...?
no subject
[And a bow of their head.]
I can see that as clear as day.
no subject
Cool.
'cause I could say the same thing to you. Be as nice to yourself as you are to me... and I'll try to do the same.